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Hello children, my name is 'Jemimah' and I'm going to read you a nice story about a little engine that 'could'....
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View the man on the left of this photo. 'Tinker', the lovable rogue antique expert from "Lovejoy", has specialized in acting the part of dodgy geezers in a variety of low-budget television programmes and films. Look out for him in several movies produced by the 'Childrens Film Foundation', in which he displays considerable subtlety in portraying a succession of baddies who beat up kids. While professing to be very knowledgeable about antique furniture and priceless art, he actually knows sod all - much like most antique experts. Despite the heights achieved by his Hollywood co-star Ian McShane, Tinker prefers to shun publicity and is currently working in Birmingham Central Library. |
View this image of Henry Kelly. He presented a show called 'Going for Gold' during the 1980's. Despite his obvious 'stage name', Kelly is clearly a product of a vicious Nazi experiment that would begin a 4th Reich in Britain... Kelly was often heard murmering angrily to himself in German folowing each production of this popular 80's quiz show... |
Since the 1990's it has become increasingly obvious that Noel Edmunds is about as funny as a terminal disease... His career has spanned nearly 30 years but never in the history of television has one man made so much cash from so few ideas... If I do the same banal TV programme every week for 2 decades (except for Christmas, where it will be recorded at the top of the Telecom Tower EVERY YEAR), get someone to dress up in a costume that makes them resemble a diseased penis, and then get them to release a single (which every stupid child in Britain will buy), will I make enough money to buy a stately home and a helecopter??? |
Wavy-haired 'Pat Sharpe' (clearly another stage name) is a top DJ who can be seen hosting kids TV quiz show "Fun House". His assistants are two blonde twins, whom he grew in a test-tube during a bizarre chemistry experiment as a child. They tend to run around a lot, and chant out verses such as "Pat, Pat, he's the best, He's got wavy hair and wears a vest". It wasn't until the mid 1990's that some brave person dared to ask "what is that creature you wear upon your head?". |
Ha ha! Jemimah kindly requests that you view the image of Cheryl Baker above. Following ripping off her nylon skirt with fellow members of 'Bucks Fizz' at Eurovision in the early 1980's, Baker has become far less fortunate. Nowadays, she'll do anything for a taste of fame - open a supermarket in Colchester, appear on 'An Audience with Su Pollard', and if there's a charity going she'll be the patron of it - to her it really doesn't matter whether its in aid of painting National Trust properties pink, providing flavoured condoms for women in the Middle East or preventing socks from being used as puppets - she'll be there shouting some rediculous slogan such as "Old People Are The Coolest" at the top of her voice... Her agent can regularly be heard squarking "get me Cheryl Baker on line 6"... |
This is Peter Andre who enjoys sitting in the sun too much and pouting in front of young girls who should know better. His songs can be instantly recognized because each one features the phrase "hey girl" very regularly. He loves showing off his chest (which is always hairless - quite telling, I think). Andre can be considered a so-called "boy band", as he's a boy with a soft girlie voice and should definitely be banned. |
What annoys be about this so called 'Trisha Goddard' is that she just can't help herself... Not only does she have a voice like a cracked gramaphone, she lets people talk (even if they're retarded) and before you know it... "That sounds like me", "That happened to me", "I understand all too well your problem, because when my baby died... my dad f*cked me up the arse... my entire family got locked up for selling crack... etc"... How come she knows the answer to everyone's problems... Sometimes its not about having an answer, its about listening and working things out you crazy horsefaced old witch. |
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